It’s a disconcerting feeling when you start caring for someone beyond the circle formed by your close relatives. You don’t even think about it and at weird unexpected moments your thoughts turn towards something that someone did sometimes. You feel a slight euphoria, the same kind which you felt when you had your first drink a few years ago. This giddiness is more pronounced when that someone is of the opposite sex.
The feeling of being disoriented turns to that of scare when you realize that gradually over the time you have stopped just 'caring' and have fallen in love with her. A bit of despair starts hanging around you after this realization. As you sink deeper into this quagmire of one sided love the despair grows. You try thinking ways of talking to her- a task which becomes more difficult because you don’t have any clue how to behave around her. So you take the refuge of the cupid of our times, yeah you scurry to your Facebook account and start visiting her profile ten times an hour, and wait for her to come online. Unfortunately for you she is not slave of virtual world and has a life beyond it-which is utterly incomprehensible for you, So you wait, and you wait for a long time and when she comes online you lose all the courage that you had built up during that vigil of yours, instead you update your status with innocuous remarks stupid comments about anything and everything under the sun. Then one day she pings up to ask for some casual detail, for you that’s like Christmas came early. That innocent chat has given you more excuses to have further conversation with her-online of course.
However the jubilation doesn't last long. You wait painfully for her replies, misconstruing her silence for her indifference, you shun food, you become resentful and start hatching desperate plots. You consider sending her a mail, and then after sending that mail you consider calling her up. This thinking goes on and on and for you that’s painful. But you soon develop some camaraderie and are chatting every day. Now your helplessness take another shape, you lose any sense of purpose once you complete the daily chat quota, anything else in the day doesn't hold much of a promise.
You console yourself saying that this is not love, it will soon pass away and you try thinking about something else but your thoughts always return rabidly to her hair, her eyes or her smile. You have thought about other females in the past but those thoughts had lust written all over them, you try imagining her in such a scenario but try as you may that is not possible. You see her face, her smile and you imagine a kiss, that kiss- a tender caress of lips, staring at her eyes never breaking the eye contact, all the while trying to convey the depth of your feelings from that simple but potent gesture. And that’s when you realize that you are firmly entrenched in a quicksand up to your neck, your only solace being her ignorance of your feelings. True she might be having an inclination about it but she can’t be sure unless you tell her.
One day you receive a call from her, you are in a train travelling to some place to be away from the sorry state that you are in. You excuse yourself from the conversation you are having, and attend the call. She confesses her love for you. You give a yelp of pleasure; however it takes all your self-restraint that you don’t start dancing around. You are beyond ecstatic.
But this euphoria soon passes away, and you start assessing your situation. You think back to those moments when you doubted yourself, the see through plots you cooked just so you can have a conversation with her. And that’s when the nightmare strikes you, the despair that was lurking in some back corner of your mind descends upon you.
You feel like a marathon runner forced to crawl even when he knows that there is nothing wrong with his legs. The feeling is utterly debilitating, because you know that your love is not unrequited, however you have seen your descent to such despondence that you know that is not in you to love someone. And how could that be because you always had a logical mind, but you find this logical mind betraying you.
You don’t find in yourself to trust the other person, every fiber of your being already cursing you for becoming dependent on someone else for your happiness, of taking that proverbial crutch, the knowledge that you can’t ever go back to “playing” that carefree happy person you earlier were. This helplessness forces you to think of her and the despair at that sorry state of yours doesn’t let you accept her.
It’s now, when you realize that you are deeply madly and irrevocably in love and that this feeling sickens you to your core
Adios…
The feeling of being disoriented turns to that of scare when you realize that gradually over the time you have stopped just 'caring' and have fallen in love with her. A bit of despair starts hanging around you after this realization. As you sink deeper into this quagmire of one sided love the despair grows. You try thinking ways of talking to her- a task which becomes more difficult because you don’t have any clue how to behave around her. So you take the refuge of the cupid of our times, yeah you scurry to your Facebook account and start visiting her profile ten times an hour, and wait for her to come online. Unfortunately for you she is not slave of virtual world and has a life beyond it-which is utterly incomprehensible for you, So you wait, and you wait for a long time and when she comes online you lose all the courage that you had built up during that vigil of yours, instead you update your status with innocuous remarks stupid comments about anything and everything under the sun. Then one day she pings up to ask for some casual detail, for you that’s like Christmas came early. That innocent chat has given you more excuses to have further conversation with her-online of course.
However the jubilation doesn't last long. You wait painfully for her replies, misconstruing her silence for her indifference, you shun food, you become resentful and start hatching desperate plots. You consider sending her a mail, and then after sending that mail you consider calling her up. This thinking goes on and on and for you that’s painful. But you soon develop some camaraderie and are chatting every day. Now your helplessness take another shape, you lose any sense of purpose once you complete the daily chat quota, anything else in the day doesn't hold much of a promise.
You console yourself saying that this is not love, it will soon pass away and you try thinking about something else but your thoughts always return rabidly to her hair, her eyes or her smile. You have thought about other females in the past but those thoughts had lust written all over them, you try imagining her in such a scenario but try as you may that is not possible. You see her face, her smile and you imagine a kiss, that kiss- a tender caress of lips, staring at her eyes never breaking the eye contact, all the while trying to convey the depth of your feelings from that simple but potent gesture. And that’s when you realize that you are firmly entrenched in a quicksand up to your neck, your only solace being her ignorance of your feelings. True she might be having an inclination about it but she can’t be sure unless you tell her.
One day you receive a call from her, you are in a train travelling to some place to be away from the sorry state that you are in. You excuse yourself from the conversation you are having, and attend the call. She confesses her love for you. You give a yelp of pleasure; however it takes all your self-restraint that you don’t start dancing around. You are beyond ecstatic.
But this euphoria soon passes away, and you start assessing your situation. You think back to those moments when you doubted yourself, the see through plots you cooked just so you can have a conversation with her. And that’s when the nightmare strikes you, the despair that was lurking in some back corner of your mind descends upon you.
You feel like a marathon runner forced to crawl even when he knows that there is nothing wrong with his legs. The feeling is utterly debilitating, because you know that your love is not unrequited, however you have seen your descent to such despondence that you know that is not in you to love someone. And how could that be because you always had a logical mind, but you find this logical mind betraying you.
You don’t find in yourself to trust the other person, every fiber of your being already cursing you for becoming dependent on someone else for your happiness, of taking that proverbial crutch, the knowledge that you can’t ever go back to “playing” that carefree happy person you earlier were. This helplessness forces you to think of her and the despair at that sorry state of yours doesn’t let you accept her.
It’s now, when you realize that you are deeply madly and irrevocably in love and that this feeling sickens you to your core
Adios…
I have no idea to what extent is this post fictitious..superbly written. Loved the marathon runner's metaphorical reference...
ReplyDeleteBut, and there is a but, why is that your mind which so passionately plots to just have a conversation ends up fraught with baseless logical reasoning about trusting yourself with another human being? Don't you think a fair chance is ought to be given, maybe a benefit of the doubt... All we need to remember "Come what may there is always a way out".
But hands down a wonderful piece! :P